Soft. Very Soft.

Moments ago, I was inducted into the Raven Society.  (Is that something I can just broadcast to the world like this?  I hope so.)  Anyway, after enjoying the reception which featured some delicious hors d'ouevres and wine arranged by none other than VMed's very own Christina, I have to say that I'm pretty happy right now.  Any organization that offers its members free food is definitely one I want to be part of, even if my nomination was a soft call.  Thanks for the confidence boost, Amir.

As part of our initiation, we had to write a parody of the Edgar Allan Poe classic, The Raven.  (Again, is this something I can just put out there?)  Here is mine, lovingly titled The Lolcat.  Credit goes to Nosheen, Harris, Catmo, and Nick for separately but equally suggesting that I do a parody based on Lolcats.  What!?  But I don't believe in separate but equal!!

Once upon a dinner party, while I sipped my soup so hearty,
Wond’ring what to put on my next plate, the third of four –
While I stroked my chin so slowly, finding chunks of ravioli,
Suddenly I heard an unknown sound come from the floor.
“Someone must have dropped some leftovers down on the floor –
                                        Only this and nothing more.”

As I started on my next dish (as I recall it was white fish),
Tasty flavors made me forget worries from before –
Just one taste of calamari sent me on a food safari,
Till that unknown sound grew louder coming from the floor.
“It must be my stomach making noises, what a chore –
                                        This it is and nothing more.”

Rushing now to try the dessert, I spilled ice cream all o’er my shirt,
I still ate it anyway and lapped it off the floor –
As I stooped down for the last drop, my heart came to a complete stop,
When I locked eyes with a kitty crouching on the floor.
“Surely this is just a housecat sitting on the floor –
                                        Merely this and nothing more.”

Unlike any ordinary cat this one was much more scary,
He stared right back at me and I felt chills to the core –
Never had I been so frightened, anal sphincter tone so tightened,
As when this cat opened up his mouth as if to roar.
“I iz not just any kitteh liek teh wun next door.”
                                        Quoth the Lolcat, “Feed meh moar.”

Much like all the other Lolcats, he was ready to do combat,
And I knew I had to get him what he’d asked me for –
Every Lolcat likes cheezburgers, so I had to look no further
Than the grill we’d fired up outside of my back door.
So I gave him every patty brought back from the store.
                                        Quoth the Lolcat, “Feed meh moar.”

Fancy Feast wasn’t good enough, Lolcats like the finest foodstuffs,
So I caught and killed and cooked for him a wild young boar –
He’d soon eaten every last piece, but his appetite just increased
That’s when I knew that my task was nowhere near being o’er.
“Free me from your services, your highness I implore.”
                                        Quoth the Lolcat, “Feed meh moar.”

Soon the night had turned into day; yet I dared not to run away,
For I knew that Lolcat still had not settled his score –
Next I made him Kung Pow chicken (maybe he was Chinese kitten?)
Finally he laid in a food coma on the floor.
“If I don’t escape now I won’t live to tell this lore.”
                                        Quoth the Lolcat, “Meow, meow, snoar.”

Who can I get to come save me? No one dares to battle kitty,
He’s more violent than rioters in East Timor –
Out of nowhere an idea hit: I know Lolrus has a bukkit!
He could take the Lolcat as a prisoner of war.
“Please do help me, my request is one you can’t ignore.”
                                        Quoth the Lolrus, “Fear no moar.”

I brought Lolrus back to my home; then I hid behind my lawn gnome
Watching as he silently crept up and down the floor –
He eventually got to Lolcat, who was wielding a baseball bat!
This would not be quite as easy as I’d thought before.
“Leave dis man aloan oar I will crush yew as I swoar!”
                                        Quoth the Lolcat, “Boo, yew whoar!”

I looked on with wide-eyed wonder as the battle raged like thunder
Cheering on the Lolrus to help his esprit de corps –
Tusks were jabbing, claws were flying, soaked in urine I was crying,
When, behold! I heard the Lolrus’s triumphant roar
He had trapped the Lolcat ‘tween the bukkit and the floor!
                                        Quoth the Lolcat, “Please, no moar!”

Free at last, I thanked my new friend, Lolcat’s evil reign he made end,
He deserved some honor or a medal from the war –
Humbly, he bid goodbye and split, carrying Lolcat in his bukkit
I’m indebted to the Lolrus; that I know for sure
I went back to feasting on my food with no fear, for
                                        I saw Lolcat nevermore!

1 comment:

Harris McGehee said...

So utterly incredibly wonderful.
I am so happy right now.