Advice

It's been fun guest-blogging, if akin, in many ways, to yelling into the abyss which is more and more closely resembling the internet every day. I might just start calling the internet "the abyss". I thought I would close with some advice, but I realized I don't really have that much advice to dispense, so mostly these are observations (this was going to be a screed, so be grateful, first piece of advice).

Advice/Observations

1. I read this in a book yesterday, so I'm passing it on: if the advent of easy travel has shown us anything, it's that travel does not de facto broaden the mind in ways that really matter. Nothing against travel, but let's be real. I like Paris as much as the next white person, but basically what I learned there is that if you really want to get a bottle of wine open, you can get it open.

2. The Sopranos is a better show than Mad Men, though Mad Men, I believe, is very good. Many of the problems of these two shows are the same, big shock, but omg nothing has annoyed me more than the magical ladies based on songs. Suzanne and Gloria, I'm talking to you.

3. Youngins: your hangovers are only going to get worse. Milk these light headaches and slightly sour stomachs for as long as they are an available option to you.

4. Sleep more, all of you. I am like the only person I know who sleeps enough. Bragging, but it's true.

5. Drink tap water. Bottled water is BULLSHIT you morons. A-DOY. DOY DOY DOY. Think about it for one fucking second. I realize I react strongly to thoughts of bottled water, but it really makes me crazy and has for years. Thank you to Sam for addressing it earlier in a polite and non-alienating way. But seriously, doofuses, we live in the first world. Tap water is not only potable but extra good for you. And HI BASICALLY FREE AND WHAT IS FREE IN THIS WORLD. Also hello capitalist pig success story of the highest magnitude????? Pepsi is selling you WATER and you're paying for it???? As if we don't do enough stupid things already. God, I loathe and despise bottled water.

6. Nevertheless, stay hydrated.

7. Don't be afraid to tell people who deserve it to kiss your ass. That being said, also don't be afraid to take back even your fondest and most long-standing hates if you have even a slightly good reason to. I say as a confirmed and enthusiastic hater, that there is enough hate in the world, so give up whatever you can afford to. This is something I have always really admired about Sam. Not a hater. While I am, at any give time, 10% caffeine, 10% raging bile, 80% tap water. It's good to know there are Sams if there have to be mes.

8. This being said, shitwadness is not to be excused. I am like a Faulkner character in that I spend a lot of time grinding my teeth in "impotent rage" but really, that's my failing, isn't it? Though also the shitwads. But also mine. But also the shitwads. God, I wish I were religious or powerful or something.

9. That being said, empathy is way underpracticed in addition to being way one of the miracles of human existence, and I know I'm fond of hyperbole, but I mean that literally. It is a miraculous movement in the universe, and its gestures and its failures are the true push-and-pull of everything.

10. Learn to recognize narcissists and sociopaths. Furreal, major life help.

And those are words to live by!

Oh also watch Peep Show, it's srsly the funniest show I've ever seen if you can tolerate the physical hideousness of the British: http://www.hulu.com/search?query=Peep+Show&st=0

BYEEEEEEEEE