Sunny recently showed me the Wall Street Journal article Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior, an excerpt from Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The controversial viewpoints within have become a hot topic of discussion on countless forums and even claim the cover of this week's Time magazine. Like Chua, I was raised by a tiger mother, and like Chua, I will one day become a tiger... er... parent.
I have to agree with Chua when she states, "Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently." Growing up, I was never coddled into believing that no matter what I did or how I performed, I was special. My parents scoffed when I told them that my classmates' parents would reward them with $10 for each A and $5 for each B on their report cards. I wasn't rewarded for doing well, I was expected to do well. We've all heard those stories about Chinese fathers who ask their kids, "97, huh? What happened to the other three points?" I lived that story every time I brought home a test. As a result, I knew I had to meet high standards, and I pushed myself until I met them.
That's not to say that I was never rewarded, either. When I won second place in the Richmond Bach piano competition despite being the youngest person in my age group, my parents lavished praise upon me. The winner isn't allowed to compete again, so when I came home the next year with an honorable mention instead of the expected first place, they didn't console me or tell me that I was special anyway. No, they made it very clear where I had gone wrong: I had let my prior success go to my head, and it was clear that I needed to practice more.
It's true, there are some parts of Chua's story that go too far, like when she calls one of her daughters "garbage." But she admits that she has made mistakes and wishes she could take those words back. And I'm not saying that I would use every weapon in the tiger mother's arsenal. After all, being raised to believe that "nothing is fun until you're good at it" while never being pushed to participate in team sports probably plays a large role in why I don't enjoy playing team sports today.
What I'm saying is that I don't think that my parents raised a perfect child. In no way am I the most intelligent, most talented, or most artistic person I know (and we've already ruled out most athletic). But I am certain that I have pushed myself to be best of what I can possibly be. And I have a tiger mother and father to thank for that.
2 comments:
My parents also expected me to do well and regarded the idea of rewarding for grades or chores as bribes that didn't teach any useful skills. On the other hand, my parents really didn't do praise well. I haven't read Chua's book (though I have read an excerpt), but I think that high expectations, PLUS regularly and genuinely provided praise, PLUS a clear message that each individual has inherent worth are all key to raising people who have the skills and self-worth necessary to succeed in their desired pursuits.
Janice, I agree. I definitely think that our society needs to work on what you referred to as "genuinely provided praise." The Time article says it well: we as Americans have grown accustomed to the fact that we will always come out on top, forgetting the hard work of those who came before us that put us in that position to begin with. The idea that we are "special" in some way and thus deserve to do well needs to be re-evaluated. As a side note, I believe that the frustration of many medical students (including myself) stems in part from the fact that we've always done well in school because we've been labeled as "gifted" and things ought to come to us naturally. When the flow of information we face exceeds what our natural "gifts" can process, we are forced to actually labor to learn that information, which comes as a shock to someone who has never had to work in order to do well in school.
To solve problems that we face today (especially the continually slumped American economy) requires not just giftedness, but the kind of hard work that unfortunately is not emphasized strongly enough in our education system. Hopefully, we as the next generation of America's parents can do a better job of reinforcing the value of hard work and diligence in a loving and positive manner (as you said, reinforcing their "inherent worth"). Our children's futures depend on it.
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