The Unlived Life

In my comic book-reading days, before I was capable of growing even the peach fuzziest goatee, I was always a little puzzled by something called "imaginary stories," which were comics that would have the premise of, for example, "What if Captain America had been raised in the Soviet Union?" Pressing questions like that. But aren't, uh, all comic books imaginary? It took me a while, studying the letters sections like a Talmudic scholar, to figure out that for most readers the Silver Surfer was much realer and important than, say, their congressman or their co-workers or their bus driver.

In that vein, here are the most plausible "imaginary" career paths that Sam could've taken. The items below are posted in descending order, which is a trick for creating suspense I picked up while getting my degree in list-making at the École Normale Supérieure.

5) Society columnist. Walter Winchell could ruin someone's career or life with a single article, or section of an article. Creepy-looking reporters for the New York Post routinely risk wrinkling their suits as they root through dumpsters looking for dirt. Sam doesn't quite have the sadism necessary for the profession, but he could assemble the data all right. He seems to know things I don't even know I don't know.

4) Maid. One of the tidiest people I know, Sam would make one hell of a maid. Entropy seems to run faster around me than in the vicinity of your average bear; with Sam, it's the reverse. However, since society seems to accord more prestige to medicine than to cleaning, it's understandable that he should lay his feather duster down. Being a maid is something for the weekend, or retirement, not a profession.

3) Studio audience member. We're starting to play fast and loose with what qualifies as a "job," but, hey, let the good times roll and stop being so gol'dang uptight. When there's real audience laughter, and not a recorded track, you can often hear one guffaw rise unmistakably to the top like a seagull floating on the crest of a wave. That voice could easily belong to the proprietor of this blog. When he's witnessed something funny, he lets this fact be known. Producers would hustle him to the front row, maybe even turn a mic in his particular direction. The problem of being paid for this "job" remains, though.

2) Chief of staff for some politician. The most famous example now is Obama's guy, Rahm "Mephistopheles" Emmanuel, and if you haven't read about his antics and naughty knife-wielding behavior, I highly recommend it. Sam would be like Rahm, minus the anger, and the knives, and the resemblance to an imp sent from hell to lead mankind astray. These chiefs of staff are for the most part enablers. Sam's good at getting people to do stuff they don't want to do, or rather at making them forget temporarily that they don't want to do it until a voice inside them says, "Hey! Why am I doing this? Why?" I once almost sawed off my right hand because Sam told me they needed it for the class fund. Luckily, reason returned to its throne, though not a moment too soon.

1) Diplomat. To be one of these, you basically have to ingratiate yourself with a wide variety of people, some of whom are class-A dingbats, while maintaining your composure and handling crises as they pop up like prairie dogs and continuing to be well-liked despite keeping order. Parties must be thrown. Names must be remembered. When higher-ups start talking about promotion, your name has to bubble to the top like carbonation. Nuff said.