Memoirs of a Sam-sha

First of all, thanks to Russell and Kathryn for keeping this blog going in my absence.  Let's be honest, you had big shoes to fill.  HAHA!  No, seriously, I wear size 14.

The past two weeks seem like a blur.  It was a whirlwind visit to China, the shortest trip I've ever taken, that left me with only week with each side of the family.

Something about this trip was different from every other one I've taken.  My cousins, who are the closest things I have to siblings, have all grown up.  I stayed in my grandparents' homes as I always do, but neither of my grandmothers, the two people I love more than anyone else, were there with me.  Sometime between my last visit in 2007 and this past month, my family also decided that I was old enough to be included in all of our important family discussions, despite my own doubts regarding my maturity.

So, for the first time in my life, I didn't want to come back to my life in America.  For the first time in my life, I thought that perhaps my place has always been in China with my family, where I'm needed.  For the first time in my life, I wanted to leave behind the comfort, the freedom, and the opportunity that I've grown up with so that I can be closer to the people that really matter.

Unfortunately, nothing is ever as simple as I want it to be.  I can't just choose one life over another, because in reality, I have a place on both sides of this world.  And so, I have learned to treasure the little time I get with my family in China.  I wish I could do more to comfort my Dia Dia, who never stops thinking about my Niang Niang and cries every time he sees her picture.  I wish I could do more to help my Ye Ye, whose Alzheimer's dementia has significantly worsened over the past few months to the point where he only recognized me half of the time I was there.  But it's useless to beat myself up over things that aren't under my control.  What I should do is count every visit a blessing, an opportunity to shower my family with the love that I've been building up and unable to express to them over the many years when I'm away.  Easier said than done.

Here I am, working at the hospital again, sleeping in my own bed again, signing on to Facebook again, watching The Sing Off again, blogging again, playing with Titan again.  Maybe it's not where I want to be right now, but it's where I should be.  My Dia Dia and my Ye Ye both made their hopes for me very clear: not to sit by their bed and keep them company, but to be a strong Christian, to be a kind person, and to be a good doctor.  So, this New Year, I resolve to do all of the above.  I also resolve to think about, pray for, and call my family more often this year.  And it doesn't take a resolution to remind me to go back at my next opportunity.